next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
