I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
