I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
