One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
