shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
