Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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