Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
