currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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