PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You can't just leave with hair like that
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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