you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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