She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
