You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
