Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
