I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
