i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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