My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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