U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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