I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
