how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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