just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
