Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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