I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
