i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
