Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
