i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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