You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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