Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
