He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
