Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
