haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
