i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
