Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
