You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
