Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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