Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
