Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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