I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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