You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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