no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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