you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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