shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
