Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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