Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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