My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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