New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
