i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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