she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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