I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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