I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
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so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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