Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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