I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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