Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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