Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
