i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
