Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
