I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
