Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I need a beard to bite.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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