Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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