So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
