At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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