the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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